Hey Me! Happy Birthday

Hey JB! Thank you!!!

Well today is my birthday. Nothing special about today instead of I really loves 12. Let me tell how I spend my birth-day.

As I told you nothing special, still the same day that happens every year, no surprise like I used to create to all of special people in my life (well because I love giving surprise). The only thing I believe is you will realize that every 10 years you should and have changed a lot. 10 years ago after I was born, I always celebrate my birthday. It was always full of gifts and people. I still have my picture holding mic when the birthday cake was taller than me. The last birthday party I have was April 12, 2002. I had a birthday party but it was the first time I had a birthday party without my father. Who knows that month was the last month he could create a birthday party to me. He passed out at the end of the month and I never ever have a birthday party like that again after.

Today is the first birthday in my not-single condition. I never have boyfriend in my birthday instead of today. Well nothing special it just rare to me. Well as usual today I have mid test. Every year I always have test in my birthday. I had test every year of my middle and high school day instead of when I was in Washington, DC. It was spring break and I made cookies at home with my host-family. I felt lonely because it was my first birthday without my natural friends and my family.

And today Mr. Barno gave us 1700 words essay to write about Global issues of development and about United Nation as an International Organization. I also have to attend Mr. Umar class till 4 pm. Can you imagine how tired I am since I haven’t sleep last night after open discussion. Well I fell asleep after I took a shower in the afternoon. I throw my own party just me, myself and I singing, dancing, jumping karaokeing (using youtube) :P at midnight.

10 years ago I wrote my life plan. If I am not mistaken it was like this:

At the age of 11: be in the most favorite middle school in my town (I did it and I met my first love here)

At the age of 14: Get accepted in the coolest high school (I got accepted there. After that I moved to the most popular high school met my first love who also moved from another school. 6 months later we were dating but it didn’t work out).

At my birthday when I was in high school I changed something that I have to change that year so I wrote at the age of 16 : Go to the USA for a year (I did it),  at the age of 17-18 : Graduate from High School ( I graduated when I was 17yo), after graduate: study medical to be a doctor specializing in children health care, somewhere whether in Unmul-Samarinda or in UGM-Yogya ( Which is I felt like I don’t wanna be a doctor. I want to be someone who can travel around the world, at the age of 17), at the age of 20-21 after graduate : work and marry my first love since his father, mother, sister, brother agreed that they want me to be a part of their family. Finish.

When today I look it up again. My life plan was going well and smooth instead of I had to change my mind at the age of 17 about my major in college and who I wanna be in the future. I think again to myself. I have become worst than before and also had gain something good in life. I might be way much better in everything when I was 16 years old but I probably smarter today.

I also have to change my plan about who is gonna spend the rest of his life with me, someone that I have to marry with. Only about 5 months ago I have changed my mind. I am no longer waiting for my first love to marry me as his father ever told me that whatever he does, whenever he goes, he will always come back to where he supposes to be, at the end the good times will come to you and him to be happy forever.

I used to hold on that before. It is not because I am too young to understand about love, it because I had been feel the same way and was in love with the same person for at least 9 years from middle school. But I already moved on now. I had made my choice and I start to believe in my decision and get my own life with the one who succeeded take my heart away from him and safe it.

My heart is fragile. It might have a lot of Band-Aid on it to make me strong. Sometimes the truth of honest and reality can easily tear my heart apart, I maybe weak but I still can believe no matter how much pain I have to feel inside.

Well after asking for “what a 20 yo young woman should do” guide to Kak Iyank, she finally wrote it down for me.(Thanks GOD!I’ve been looking for it). You can read it here but I will re-post it on my next blog. So I think I have change my plan for the next 10 years. Even I have to believe that someday something will happen and I have to do plan B instead, I will be okay with that. I will enjoy my life as I tried to change all the not good things on me especially I have to control my emotion no matter sad, anger, happy, joy or whatever are they I have to take a good control of it. I don’t wanna hurt people, I have to be mature, and I have to realize that I live in the East now no longer in the west. I should try to use the “Confucianism way”, have a good ethic and behaviour instead of western style behaviour. I should care about other people more than think about my “western style of self cost-benefit behavior".

It might be hard. I am scare of doing the same stupid mistake but we will never know if we always stay in the comfort zone. Sometimes we have to keep running and walking but never think to stop in life.

So hey me! Be good and happy birthday. I hope you will be way much better and cooler 10 years from now. Also thank you so much who had been sending me birthday wishes and prays to me on my phone, twitter and facebook i really appreciated that. You guys amazing!