v_tRa's Dream Palace : 1st Day Of The Month

I finally pass a year but still confuse about everything. I have no idea about my own life. Should I share or shouldn’t I .

I have a best friend with a broken heart because of her ex cheating on her. She was so frustrated and I said to her “Look at me! Is being in relationship makes my life a lot more better? Does it make me look happier to you?”

You can be in love and be loved but it doesn’t guarantee that your life will be better that way. Fairy tales don’t always exist in this real life, that’s why Taylor Swift sings a lot of happy and sad love songs. The thing I know is you have to be grateful when you are in love, it proves that you still a human with natural feeling a human used to feel.

A year for me is a roller coaster feeling. I can’t say that I am not happy, I found myself smile and laughing but I also saw myself cry. I have no idea should I get married or not, it’s weird to see myself working so hard a few months ago to be in love but drowning in sorrow when I just need to walk a few step ahead to get what I wanted.

When someone asks me “Are you happy? Do you really want to do this? It’s a lifetime commit that you can’t easily run away from it”

I would say, “ I have no idea”

The thing is I never found someone who ever loves me that way. Maybe I’m too young or maybe too old to fell in love. I have been in love with someone who doesn’t love me the way he loves me. I could say maybe he is the first one.

I think to myself maybe I should go out and getting older, spend my time to love everyone and come back when I’m ready to make a decision. But I don’t get a chance to meet anybody just like he did.

I have no idea why God let me met him that time and letting me give him chance to open my heart and be in love. Is it love? Do I know anything about love? When I just fell for only one person in my lifetime.

Maybe I love him but I worrying too much about myself. I don’t know is it my mental illness or is it just me. I just sick of living my lonely life. I need someone who always there when I don’t feel okay. I just need someone who can make me talk when all I can do is crying. I just need someone to share with. The most importantly I just need someone who has time for me.

Other people might be okay with spending their life with someone who can always there when they need. Because they have parents, siblings, friends and family. Now look at me, all I got is ME backing up myself. I have passed out father that I used to call his name whenever I get frustrated and crying out loud. I have mother who can’t understand my feeling and always giving me her religious advice at not the right time, I have family who live in another island that I have to take 2 hours trip by plane plus 3 hours trip by car to see them and I have no best friend but friends who busy enough taking care of their life so I won’t bother them with some kind of unimportant sad story about my life.

I’m sick of supporting myself, telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. Sick of creating my own imagination to be happy. Sick of going out all alone and sick of writing my story down just because I have nobody listening. Also sick of people complaining about my attitude just because I have a mental illness.

Am I asking too much when I said I want to have someone who really can be there for me? I feel a lot more healthy and happier when I got someone to listen and understand my feeling. But I can’t find them everytime, I just lucky when I did it. Only if I have “cost-free” therapist who always have time to listen and understand me till I get to be normal as other human in this world.

My father was the only person in this world that I can always count on. Does he realize that he will go for a long time? Does he realize that I will deadly sad when he is gone forever?

It is not about love I confused about. I just want to have a happy life forever. I don’t want to go to the doctor by myself anymore because I’m tired of doing it. I don’t wanna cry in my room all alone because I’m tired of doing it. I just want to change my life. I don’t want to be like someone I knew, she is extremely pretty, rich, has 4 sons, got divorced, get married again but still living in the same sad love story.

I might have different path of life compare to her. But I don’t want to life in such a lonely world forever. I don’t need any proof about love, they just have to be here next to me. Someone that I can count on. Someone I can trust. Someone who will not let me down. Someone who can fully understand me. Someone who will say everything is gonna be okay and make sure it is always okay.