I Don't Know

Ya Allah swt

I probably shouldn’t write something to you in the place where everybody can see it. But I do believe that people will be remember from what they have written in the past. So I wrote this because I don’t know how to express this feeling I felt.

Ya Allah swt

I know I shouldn’t complain about anything in this world. Instead of being grateful for everything, I always complaining a lot.

I know I shouldn’t do anything wrong to prove that I trully love you

But Allah swt you should believe that I’ve been doing a lot of thing to make it. But I failed each and everyday.

Ya Allah swt

I believe that every pain I felt is the only way for you to erase and forgive all of my mistake.

I also believe this pain I feel is better than what should I feel in another life.

But Allah swt

I know someone out there probably feel worser pain than I do, eventhou they never do something wrong like I did.

I just want to be honest with you

This is hurt

It scares me everytime I have to deal with every disease that I have no idea about it before

I’m tired of going to the hospital and asking help with the doctor

I’m tired of taking a lot of medicine and have to do it more that three times a day

So I won’t go to the doctor this time, I won’t take any medicine.

But I also can’t handle this pain. It hurts Ya Allah swt it hurts.

I know there is no option for forgiving my mistake instead of making me feel this way.

I know I can be strong but I can’t stop complaining or just keep my pain with me.

You know who I am.

Ya Allah swt

I don’t know what to do

This time I can’t ask You to forgive me and I can’t promise you to not doing the same mistake anymore

Because I know I will always do

I can’t ask You to take the pain away from me, because I know this is the only way to erase one of my sin

I just can’t dealing with this pain

I can’t dealing with the situation when it is so hard for me to breath

I can’t dealing with the headache, with every tender and sore I feel

I can’t dealing with the blood that can’t stop coming out of my body

I can’t dealing with the nausea

I trully can’t Ya Allah

So just please help me.

I really do love you, you know that

You know that You are the only one I have

So please …

I don’t mind to always crying over this

Just don’t force me to keep smiling over all of this pain.