Boring!

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Boring boring boring!

Ohh it's been a while, i don't have time to write a blogpost . A quick update, i was pregnant and it's a boy, young bright smart one. So i've been super busy taking care of him. He's 6 months now and having his very first solid meal.

Someone out there might love to living in my life right now. Full time mom, have a super cute baby boy, living in the safest place with no earthquakes or something like that. Yes, i'm grateful for that.

I'm having a baby, sounds funny right? Exactly, when i said i don't believe in marriage, i get married. When i said i don't have plan to have a baby, boom i'm pregnant. Things got pretty conversing now.

I told you i have to learn before i have a baby, so i can be a good mom. Now i got pretty tired. Dealing with crying every single time is not easy yet frustating. For an auditory person like me, sounds of crying is lil bit overwhelming. Can you imagine everytime you want to move yourself, going to the bathroom for example, suddenly he cries. But when you're sitting nicely next to him waiting, perhaps he will wake up and cry, nothing happen. Everytime i thought he was in a deep sleep, and start to turn on my laptop, he cried. It's like AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!

I only got 2 hands. I do everything, cleaning up my room, changing diapers, hug him when he cries, make him fall asleep so i can do the other chores during daytime. At noon my mom helps me, i can't expecting she would help me everytime, which hurts when she doesn't. She's busy, more than i do. It's annoying when the only person i can rely on have something they think more important to do than helping me out, which normal since it's my own son, my responsibility anyway. And I have to cry all day and feel extremely tired aaaand nobody cares about it.

Don't ask silly question, i will leave your deduction alone and don't try to ask me about it. I know you have question and i'm not going to answer it.

About my son, no matter how annoying when he's crying and whinning, he is sooo lovely. We can spend all the time cuddling and laughing together. His act is pretty funny, he can suddenly laughing so hard with no reason everytime we look at each other. It's like when you had crush on  someone and your eyes meet all of a sudden you're smiling and so does he. Instead of smiling we're laughing, even when he fell asleep and he's about to close his eyes but he looks at me and laughing and continue to sleep again the next second. Ahh how funny is that. Lucky me by the time he gets older people start to think that his face is much more similar to me. Yay me!

But still i can't handle his tantrums, at the time he's crying, the time when i'm super tired but he woke up in the middle of night whinning at nothing or playing when it's sohard to open my eyes, leaking diapers too especially in the middle of night. It's bother me when he seems to be the boss of my world. I don't have time to do my things, i don't even have "Me Time". I only have time when he is in a deep sleep and then he will cry at anytime. It's always all about him, my time, my body, everything. Everything is hard, to hold myself not to yell or angry is even harder. I wish i can be a better mom in the future.

Then i realize when he got flu or anything, he just a small baby who rely on me each and everytime. I wish i can afford nanny so i can focus on being a good mother rather than focus on taking a deep breath not to angry. Ahh poor son, sometimes when i'm sad he touches my face and smile. I assumed he always know what i feel and he always there trying to be nice everytime.

And about me and my mom, arggh still the same as the old time. Seems like we always agree to disagree. It's hard to understand her way of thinking and even her words. So does she, she seems can't understand me. And we always argue at everthing especially things about my son. Even a small unimportant thing like my baby's outfit for today make us argue, we always like that. But we also have time when we agree at each other, share stories and laugh. We have bad times too obviously, especially when we have to yelling at each other when we argue, ended up with me crying because of her words. Bad day for an auditory person like me, i will always remember every words that came out from everyone's mouth and it hurts me. Or having a "nobody talk here" day and it's so annoying. I need someone to talk, someone who listen, someone who will always help and my mom is not a good companion for it.

So here i am, talking to the screen, bored.

Spending most of my time in my bedroom without even bother to going out, i don't know why i always lost my time even when i have nothing to do, instead of taking care of my son. I wish i have 24hrs without falling asleep so i can do whatever i want. It's been nearly a year and a half i don't get a job to do, i need money to pay my bills, money for my baby needs, money to eat, money for everything arggggghhh things get even harder each day when i got sick everytime. Nothing serious but still make my body feel so unwell to do anything.

At least i have Sherlock series to read and watch. It makes me happy to be able to use my brain to think and analyze something. I've been working on my cv thou, people think i'm over qualified so they don't hire me. I desperately need a job or at least something to make my brain on again, or i will doing it for money. But i have to get a nanny first before i get a job. Again i can't rely on my busy mom. I wish people buy my house so i will have something that earn money for living.

How dull!