Last night was…

I got three messages tell me the same thing, that your brother will be performing there. It was hard to decide whether or not to come. At the end I decided to come. My goal was only to show my support but anything else…

Ingat pertanyaanku sekitar setahun yang lalu? Yes the stupid question that I asked, hoping to get no answer so I can move to other side. Then I was wrong.

It is hard to tell but I guess I should let you know

Bertahun-tahun kenal kamu aku gak pernah mau dan gak pernah menanyakan hal itu. Karena aku berharap kamu yang bakal ngasihtau aku whether or not you love me. Bertahun-tahun aku berharap sampai akhir aku gak pernah denger jawabannya selain hari itu. The day when it was all too late.

I was hoping that my life is as beautiful as I ever imagine. I thought I will be happy but seems like not every dream will come true. Too bad I’m one of it. So now I lived in such a miserable world when it’s too late to regret and too early to stop.

I like to blame you every single time. I like to think that it is all your fault that make me live like this. Sad, alone, single parent now or might be forever. It was all begin when you said “Cari pacar yang jauh lebih baik dari aku fit”. That was a killing statement for me. To me it was sound like “I have enough, I don’t want you to be around. Cari sana orang yang hidupnya bisa kamu ganggu selain aku”. Yeah it sounds like that to me. Ingat pernah ngomong gitu ke aku? I hope so.

Since then setelah bertahun-tahun capek denger orang bilang “Move on fit, buka hati buka hati! Dan akhirnya kamu sendiri yang ngomong begitu ke aku. I started to burn your picture, threw up every single stuff about you and start a new life. Semenjak itu aku disakitin berkali-kali sama orang till I found this guy. Orang yang akhirnya aku nikahin, berharap aku bakal bahagia or at least ngelupain semua tentang kamu selamanya.

Aku gak pernah mau nikah muda, mungkin kamu tau itu.  Aku ketemu dia pun berharap bisa buka hati, move on dan ngelupain kamu, bukan buat nikah apalagi nikah muda. Tapi apa daya ternyata dia yang mau seserius itu. So I’m trapped. Pacaran setahun dengan semua dramanya. Berantem tiap hari sampai beberapa hari sebelum nikah. Aku ngerasa selama ini cuma dia yang berjuang dan aku sebodo amat mau dia pergi atau engga.

Ayah selalu bilang sama aku “Fit A* itu kaya orang mau ke jembatan mahakam tapi dalam perjalanannya dia singgah dulu kemana-mana tapi ujung-ujungnya pasti sampai ke jembatan mahakam. Jadi Fitra sabar aja.” Tapi di mataku you are too deep in love with her. Sama siapapun that you fell in love with. Tapi waktu S* bilang “Move on aja Fit, lupain A*. A* tu kayaknya pernah janji sama Papanya buat jagain dia. Udahlah.” So I gave up, I’m hopeless.

Ntah kenapa aku jadi terima-terima aja mau nikah sama dia. Aku gak pernah mikir apa-apa dan gak tau bakal gimana. Sampai aku bilang ke kamu kalau aku mau nikah. Berharap you do something but you weren’t. Orang bilang kalau sayang bakal dipertahanin dan menurutku aku gak pernah dipertahanin sama kamu, selama ini aku sendirian yang nunggu tanpa kepastian. Akhirnya tanpa pikir panjang aku mutusin nikah, sempat batal dan akhirnya ya beginilah akhirnya.

Sampai beberapa hari sebelum nikah aku udah mau ngebatalin ini semua. Ngeliat mamaku yang udah nyiapin semua dan gak mau bikin malu keluarga akhirnya aku pasrah. Aku bahkan bilang sama dia I don’t love him, I don’t feel it anymore. Tapi orang bilang kan lebih baik dicintai daripada mencintai. Ntah seberapa benernya dia sayang sama aku at least dia berusaha, dia melakukan sesuatu buat aku.

Gak cuma itu ternyata beberapa bulan kemudian aku hamil. Dalam keadaan gak siap sama sekali. Depresi pasti, banget gak tau harus ngapain. I feel dumb. Tapi ternyata sekarang aku tau dan bersyukur alasan Allah swt ngirim Little A buat aku. He is now my little guardian. Cukup menguatkan aku walaupun kita cuma hidup bertiga aku, mamaku, Little A.

Kalau kamu inget aku pernah bilang apa, I named him after you. A does it ring something to you? Ya semoga aja kamu nyadar, Aldi aja nyadar kok. Ya yang tau cuma aku sama Aldi so it won’t make any trouble. Aku mikir semenjak I can’t love you I can love my own little A till death. So he is here to replace you.

So my life is as you said last night kalikan sepuluh masih gak bisa menggambarkan how miserable is it. Buruknya semenjak pertanyaanku dulu I’m not able to erase you from my life. You always come to my dream, to my mind even when I have no time to think about you. It’s so annoying!

Till last night.

Yes I was there to give my support. Tapi most of all I’m extremely tired seeing you in my dream and woke up with sad feeling all day long. So I decided to see you in person dan kamu disana, orang pertama yang aku temui malam itu.

Beberapa menit kemudian aku jadi nyesel udah kesana. Aku gak nyangka bakal ada keluargamu disana. Duduk disana diantara keluargamu bikin aku tambah terpuruk. Seharusnya mereka jadi bagian keluargaku juga. Seharusnya aku memang ada disini, di samping kamu. Suddenly your girl came and sat right in front of me. Seketika semuanya jelas. I’m not belong here anymore. There’s no space for me and I’m not exist as I used to.

Sekarang aku sadar. Bukan aku yang kamu mau untuk ada di hidupmu dulu tapi dia. Kamu tau aku nunggu tapi kamu milih dia. Kamu tau aku bakal baca semua tulisanmu, kamu tau aku punya hati tapi kamu lebih milih dia. That’s the reason why God choosing stranger rather than you to get married with. It’s not to make me happy but to make me stronger and stronger more than I can imagine before. I lost on hope, I do! But it makes me stronger to live all by myself.

So I try to think again. Everything flashback continously. The way I spent all my time with you, with your friends, with your family. Trying to do everything I can do to be with you. Till I realize and came up with a conclusion.

It is not your fault. At the very beginning it wasn’t you looking for me. It was me found you and fell in love with you when you know nothing about me. It was me who standing in front of your class hoping to know your name. It was me to say that I want you to be my boyfriend. It was me who breakup with you. It was me who leave you to another country. It was me who want you back. It was me who fell in love with you till now.

And it was you who can make me smile last night.

I realized that I’m the one who need you in my life. Even just to make me smile for no reason when my life is too hard to live with.

But it was too late. She might be the luckiest person in the world. While I can’t spend my life with my first love, she can love and get the love from you.

So last night … I was happy to be able to smile again just like I used to feel each and everyday when I’m with you.

Maybe I just deal with it. Deal with the reality.

I still have my own Little A that might love me back for the rest of my life.

It’s not that I’m not happy when you are happy with her. It’s just me being dumb and it was my fault to be this way.

So last night just a night I can remember, no regret no turnback.
Even if I have to live all by myself now.