Thank You

Dear Allah swt.

I love You, i know You knew it.
So here we are again, in the exact same situation different types. You keep testing me a lot, don't You?

Yeah You're right. I addmited, i was wrong about everything. I thought i can trust them and rely on them.

I thought he is a nice person, according to You he's nothing but a betrayer. And i chose You.

After that i thought i've got nobody except my mom then i've got that wrong too. But i still love You, obey You and believe in You.

You can take everything in my life, decide that everyone should stay out from my life. But still and i hope i will always here for You, obey You and believe in You.

It's just so miserable. To see the truth that they won't stand by me, they hated me and hurt me that much. I thought they really are the nicest people in the world. The one who will accept me whoever i am. So i just have to be myself all the time. I thought they will realize that anytime i could hurt them by my behavior or my words perhaps my look and they will be there accepting though it must be so annoying.

We can always fight or agree to dissagree or argue with every single thing but not leaving each other in nightmare. What happened lately was a nightmare. The  one that will always haunt me. Because it got stuck on my brain, my memory or even my blood. It hurts, leaving me heartbroken. My heart fell into pieces, nothing i can do about it nor fix it.

But i'm still here.

May i just repeat it once again. My praying, that i've saying since i was a kid.
"Can i have at least just one person who will stand by me no matter what happen around me?"
I keep asking and asking and asking. I'm not tired, i'm just ashamed that i should keep asking you the same thing.

Dear Allah swt
I need human, i need a friend.
I need my own "John Watson" who will always believe in me. Who will always listen to me, talk to me, understand me no matter how rude i am to the most people in the world. The one who will always find a good side of me behing every bad things people talk about me. At least just one person in my life. I need one. The one that loves You as much as i do or even more than that. The one who obey You in everyway. I just need a friend, i need one.

So You must be love that much, don't You?

I didn't commit suicide because of You. Because You will hate me if i do.
But You keep testing me, put me in such terrible condition.
I hope i get it right this time, that You love me.
If You do so thank you then. Thank you for testing me, thank you for letting me strong and still love You. Thank you for the truth that i have nobody to rely on.

Thank you and i'm smiling right now.
I know You will taking care of me.
i know You will never hurt me like they did.

Promise me that someday You will give me a friend to share with. I hope it's okay for me to being sad and cry.

I am human afterall, You know who i really am. You know everything.

I love You and it's been always You, Yaa Rahiim.