The Boiling Point 2

Since that time I lived on my own. Got busy with my own activities, came home just to take a shower and sleep, most of my time I spent outside of my house. I rarely talk to my mom, just saw her in morning and sometimes I came home when she was about to sleep.

Life is not easy for me even till now. Well my mom has changed a lot. But it doesn’t make her do things right. We become closer than before but still brought me down sometimes.

I was really wanted to get out from my house back then. When I was high school I heard a scholarship to go to another country. Well from a thousand students who applied to that program I was one of  7 students who got accepted. It was everyone’s dream to get accepted but my mom was the only one who tells me to walk out and refuse that program. I was mad and sad, when every parents in this country want their kids to get accepted, it didn’t work that way to my mom. But it was crystal clear that I want to go abroad and I did.

It wasn’t the only one.

When I was in the USA mom and me never argue, fight or whatever on something. But when I was home, I thought she had changed but she hadn’t. Just a few days after she argued and ended up with me being upset.

When everyone came back home and had to redo his or her senior year, I wasn’t. I got accepted to study in college somewhere in Jakarta. Everyday she blame me on that, blame on the expensive payment, blame on everything. All I need was support to survive, but again I have to stand on my own thought supporting myself.

One of my senior was move to Australia and finish his college their. He asked me to join and I’m pretty sure I can study their, I can be the best student, I can work and everything. He helped me with all the registration. I asked my mom and she told my aunty. What I got is my aunty told me that I’m too selfish, I never grateful for what I have, I’m too dream big and blame everything is useless and only piss my mom. I AM a BIG dreamer, I am wanna be the best, what is wrong with that? When every parents force their kids to be there my mom was a heart breaker.

It happened again when I told my mom that I wanna be like Yuna Zarai. Photography and singing is biggest passion. She said straight to my heart that singing is Haram, it’s useless, it’s nothing and photography is just for rich people.

Those situations made me strong sometimes but it also brought me down, break my heart and give up. I have all the best friend, people, teacher, senior in the world that always supporting me, believe me and compliment me on everything. But it’s all nothing when the only person I want to make proud is the one and only parent left in my world. Even a thousand people supported me it just need my mom’s disagreement to throw me down from 50 floors skyscraper.

People always proud of me, said things like I can handle every difficulties in this world. Well I didn’t. I make it easy because I found it so difficult at the first time. That’s the only way to survive. My lecture said the only thing that can solve your difficulties is to have fun with those difficulties.

I do love my mom as much as I love my father. But I just feel that she wasn’t do things right when it comes to understand me. She always wants to be heard and no matter what I do I always be the rebellion. Because all she wanted is I become a good muslimah with Islamic appearance, remember every surah of Quran and all the things that might make you live in Jannah. But I wasn’t that good. I’m human, I’m not prophet’s daughter. I did stupid mistakes a lot. But she always forces me to be that kind of person. So nothing in this world can make her proud like other parents would.

Well, I lived out of town all by myself, dealing with peoples, problems all by myself. Sometimes I only lean on my own body because I don’t know where to ask for help. It doesn’t mean my best people are useless but they can’t always have time like my father did. I can’t always lean on them, they have their own life to deal with. I need a guide I need guardian I need parents. It doesn’t mean I hate the situation of my father passed out but I was too young, too fragile and so not ready and have nothing to deal with it.

So I just torture myself to have fun with this kind of situation. Once every year I spent my day to cry and cry and just cry because I’m sick of being alone, having trouble and fix it, having no one understand my feelings, every single not fun thing I’ve been through.

Sometimes I just need someone who can easily find my weakness behind every cover of strength, smart thoughts, and every side of me.

I need someone who can easily give up everything, their time, and their life for me.

Sometimes I just need someone who can easily sit next to me and let me talk about my difficulties and let me lean on their shoulder to cry.

Sometimes I just need someone who asking what happened to me and when I said I’m okay they say that they know nothing is okay.

I need a mind reader who can feel and agree that this is not easy. Feel that I need someone to walk together in every second of my life.

Because this is just my boiling point…

The Boiling Point

I’ve been through a lot of things recently that made me upset, sad, angry, mix emotion. I feel like this is too much, I’m not supposed to face this entire problem all by myself. Well maybe this is the consequence I have to deal with when I decided to be out of my hometown, alone.

I was a little princess to my father back then. He never brought me down even once. When I had problem he solved it, I made mistake he fixed it, he always be my Hero, always thought that I’m the most wonderful daughter he ever had. I spent all of my time with him, well I suppose to be close with my mom but I didn’t.

My mom and me always argue with every single thing. Not like my father, she always want me to do whatever she said, I wasn’t really connected to her. It was April 30, 2003 In the middle of early morning, my mom was on the phone with my father. Is suddenly woke up and told her that I wanna speak with him. My mom doesn’t allow me to talk and told me to go back to sleep. I was mad at that time. No one knew that was my last chance to talk with my father. He passed out couple hours later in Jakarta.

Someone was belling my house in the early morning. It was rare because no one would do that. I got fever, my mom opened the door but not so long after that I heard noise. She came back to my room and told me to get out from my bed. It was my father’s right hands sitting in our living room, looked at me. I asked them what happened. It was my first time my mom hugged me and told me that my father passed out. I was only 10 years old and it was hard to believe it. My only Hero, the closest person who always did everything to me couldn’t be on my side anymore. I was thinking, what am I gonna do? What am I without him? Why him? Why wasn’t I am the one HE chooses?

Things got worst since then. It’s hard to spend all of my time with someone who doesn’t really connect to me. Even my mom is the one who gave a birth to me, I wasn’t that close to her and I had a not good relation with her at that time. So after he passed out, she was having her own life without letting me be on it. So did I. It was my first year of middle school and a lot of new things going on. That was the time when I really need a support, a guide or whatever it was. But she wasn’t there. I spent my whole year crying on my lost of my father every afternoon and hurting myself for being ignored by my mom. I need affection that my father always gave me every second of my life but it was gone.

Me and Marriage 2

So, if someday I will marry the cutest, kindest, the most handsome man in the world – there are a bunch of things I wanna do :

#dear my future husband DO NOT FREAK OUT – Think and READ THIS before you propose me to be your forever wife, this is only once in a life time so could you please make it come true xoxo *Kiss Hug :P

1.   The only ONE in the world

Before you propose me you should have know that I just want to be the ONLY WIFE you have. Jadi kalo kamu emang dari awal niat punya istri lebih dari satu DO NOT count me in, aku ga mau berbagi suami sama orang lain kalau bagi- bagi duit rela deh ok!

2.   Guest List

Ini mungkin bakal jadi hal tersulit selama persiapan pernikahan ( udah sering nyiapin pernikahan sekeluargaan) buat aku. Kenapa? Karena aku kenal banyak orang, semua pernah memberikan pengaruh buat kehidupan aku yang Alhamdulillah banget sekarang ini, terus bukan anak pejabat yang bisa ngebatesin undangan tega-tegaan gitu tapi juga bukan anak konglomerat yang bisa ngundang ribuan orang juga, jadi gimana dong? :P

Can you imagine how many people I should invite on my wedding day!

Ini belum semuanya -____-'

First nih dari keluarga Mamaku sendiri yang sodaranya aja lebih dari 10 orang beranak, bercucu, bercicit yang setiap acara nikahan itu kalau mau poto keluarga kameranya sampai ga muat, panggungnya ampe mau roboh saking rempongnya itu baru dari keluarga nyokap udah lebih dari 200 orang

Terus dari keluarga Papah yang notabene dari mereka lah hak perwalian nikah harus di berikan (Karna papah udah meninggal jadi keluarga dari papah yang harusnya jadi wali yang menikahkan aku) Dan itu samaaaa aja banyaknya ama keluarga mamah yang seabrek2 itu so itunglah 200 orang lebih juga

Temen-temen Papah dari yang orang yang aku kenal banget deket ama Papah sampai yang tau aku tapi aku gak kenal, dari kalangan pejabat sampai yang udah pensiun. Bayangin itu ada berapa yang masih panjang umur sampai sekarang, bisa-bisa se Kaltim pada dateng *tepok muka. Apa coba kata mereka- anak semata wayangnya Pak Nur nikah “Gw Gak Di Undang??? Serius LOH?” :P Lagian mereka semua udah banyak banget bantuin keluarga kita apalagi pasca papah meninggal dunia.

Temen-temen Mamah, okey yang satu ini aku masih bisa cut2 sedikit. Nyokap orangnya gak tegaan juga pasti semua yg kenal baik ama dia pasti diundang cuma aku bisa pastiin yang ini gak mungkin lebih dari 200 deh. Trus aku mau deh Ustadz Aam, Ustadz Yusuf Mansyur datang juga

Okey, itu baru dari pihak keluarga loh ya sekarang bayangin orang-orang yang aku kenal yang harus aku undang!

Aku pasti harus ngundang anak2 ATS ESQ dari Ayah, Bunda, Fosma, Teens, Kids, LC, Trainer, yang di Samarinda aja udah 100 lebih terus ATS yang kenal aku di Jakarta, trainer2 yang deket sama aku kalau bisa Om Ary G ama Oma-Opa juga dateng, mentok juga 200 orang

Harus ngundang temen2 jaman sekolah SD, Spansa, Smansa, Smaridasa, AFS chapter Samarinda. Yaaa Salaam itu buanyaaaaknya minta ampun! Bubuhan Ipa 3 aja nih ya udah 40an belum lagi anak2 MB Sinar Bahana yg dlu sering bareng2 mulu, belum lagi anak2 tekwondo, guru-gurunya, kepala sekolahnya yang semuanya udah pada baik banget sama aku, kenal sama aku.

Allright udah sebanyak itu aja masih belum selesai.

Aku harus ngundang anak2 Jayabaya dari anak-anak ZeroNine, Junior2, Senior2, Dosen2, Staff sampai Rektorat yang kenal sama aku ( Pertanyaannya siapaaaa yg gak kenal sama aku yg suaranya menggelegar kemana2 ini ??????) coba bayangin tanpa mereka ini gak bisa apa-apa aku sebagai mahasiswa. Angkatan aku aja ada 40 orang lebih tambahin aja semuanya bisa jadi 200 juga

Kudu harus ngundang anak2 AFS minimal AFS 51 yang 100an orang dari seluruh penjuru negeri itu, terus aku pengen Kak Taufiq Ismail, Kak Tanri Abeng, Kak Arif Rahman, Kak Imam Prasodjo, Kak Najwa Shihab, dateng.

Trus dari U.S Embassy Jakarta juga dari semua diplomat-diplomat yang aku kerja bareng Mr. Ted, Ms. Corrinne, Mr. Arend dll  sampai ke staff2nya kaya Mba Renny yg udah ngasih banyak banget event!

Dari kantor kudu ngundang orang-orang LPIA yang udah ngasih kerjaan ma gaji yang cukup buat hidup buat Bu Tika emaknya Sallsa sekeluarga apa lagi.

Temen-temen mahasiswa dari kampus lain terutama anak2 dari PNMHII yang terus2an ketemu di event2 HI di Jakarta dan sekitarnya yg udah ngobrol siang malem kadang bantuin ngasi ide skripsi.

Terakhir ini optional itu pun kalau mereka bisa dateng.

Orang2 yang udah jadi keluarga kedua aku selama di Amerika. Om- Tante dari KBRI Washington, DC dari Pak Dubes yang lama ( itu juga klo beliau masi inget aku) bisa jadi ngundang Pak Dino Patti Djalal, Om Dutamardin Umar, Om Kumis ama istrinya, Om Arif World Bank ama Mba Mira, Mba Dewi, Bunda Intan ma Om Iwan yang pahlawan banget,  Mba Lina, Mba Sri, Mba Mey, orang-orang Indonesia yang udah nyelametin hidup aku di negeri orang deh yang kenal sama aku ( Pertanyaannya lagi siapaaaa yg gak kenal akuuu? Wong aku klo bisa dioper-oper ke rumah mereka buat sleepover)

Trus anak-anak AFS DC Area dari seluruh negara, Host Family, Mom-Dad- Derrick-Dorean Nanny- sepupu2 aku tante2 ma om aku, apalagi anak2 paling gila  bareng di Walls kaya Victor E, Victor A, Juan G, Ana, LC, Camillo, Micaela, dll yg buanyak itu terus anak2 Walls yang kenal sama aku dari teacher, staff, junior , sophomore, senior, yang notabene lagi2 gak ada yg gak kenal sama aku.

Intinya kalo mikirin Guest List lebih dari 2000 orang yang ada mati duluan sebelum mikirin budget nikahnya HAHAHAHA! Itu nikahan apa training ESQ di Senayan?

3.   Prewed and Wedding Video Photography

Aku udah pernah deal2an ama Dian Pelangi di twitter kalau aku mau bikin Photo ama Video Pre Wedding ama pas prosesi Weddingnya ama dia. Kebayang dong punya poto ama video sekeren nikahannya Dian Pelangi :D Terus aku mau baju2nya dari Dian semua deh dari poto , Akad Nikah ama Resepsi, yang pasti resepsi aku mau perpaduan Batik ama Maroon gtu atau coklat, terus aku ga mau ada pelaminan konsepnya Garden Party gitu deh :D

4.   The Best Gift Ever

Aku mau nikahannya kaya nikahan Bobby kemaren. Jadi seserahannya sponsored by Apple inc, Guess, Victoria Secret, Wardah, Hermes, Canon kalo bisa sih kaya Kak Hans di depan pintu ada Jaguar nginclong ama mas kawinnya lengkap :P ( ga ada yg gak mungkin toh?buktinya ada)

5.   World Tour Honeymoon

Hahahahha!  This is part of my own dream setelah nikah aku juga mau tetep keliling dunia so everytime everywhere I go as long as I’m with you I call it honeymoon :D I want to always hold your hand and walk with you!

Well, yang baca pasti udah garuk2 kepala dari tadi, apa mungkin udah muntah aja hehehe. Seems muluk2 sih tapi ini sesuai kenyataan kok, kaya guest list itu emang orang2 yg aku kenal, perjanjian aku ama Dian Pelangi, seserahan yang pernah dikasih Bobby ama Ka Hans trus impian aku keliling dunia.

Itu kenapa aku belum mau nikah cepet2 dulu, I have all of this dream and I wanna make it come true. Aku mau kerja dulu yang bener selagi aku masih bisa ngumpulin duitnya buat semua ini, aku gak mau ngekhayal berharap2 punya suami milioner doang klo aku bisa kenapa harus berharap orang lain, kalaupun ada calon suami milioner belum tentu juga kali mau ama aku yang begini doang hahahha!

Yang paling penting itu calon suami yang bisa bikin bahagia di dunia n di akhirat, rejeki masih Allah swt yang ngatur kita cuma bisa usaha doang, tapi ibadah itu kita sendiri yang ngatur kita mau apa engga ngelakuinnya, klo mau di sayang Allah swt kita buktiin dulu pantes ga buat di sayang. Yang penting bisa jadi imam di keluarga bisa bahagiain Mamah, bisa nuntun anak jadi anak Sholeh.

Kalau bukan karena pengen ngejalanin hidup sama orang yang kaya gitu buat apa juga aku nikah kan, mending single happy :P

*I’m sorry about a lot of things you have to deal with. But I recognize the sacrifice. And I appreciate it, future husband. And I appreciate you not divorcing me the first time you see me talk to my stuff :P .Ps. I Love You!

Also Read : Me and Marriage 1

Dream, Believe and Make It Happen with Agnez Monica @atamerica

On the first week of May I got an email from U.S Embassy Jakarta. They sent me an invitation to go to an event at @atamerica Pacific Place Mall in Jakarta. The event called “Dream, Believe and Make It Happen.” It remains me of one of talented and famous singer in Indonesia, Agnez Monica’s quote. I have no idea that this event is gonna be all about Agnez Monica’s experiences until I got her write something on her twitter about this event. No wonder the event called “Dream, Believe and Make It Happen.” So I reply her tweet. I said “ Hey Agnez Mr. Arend Z stole your quotes for his event at @atamerica. And here’s what she replied me : 

So I came to this event at @atamerica. I was totally late but lucky me I came right at the time Mr. Arend about to started. It begun with Mr. Ambassador Scott Marciel gave his speech in front of us.

After that my senior from AFS-YES program Kak Aline and ka Ayumi gave a presentation about their experiences in the USA during their exchange year with AFS-YES program. It’s about 300 people came to this event. 

After that Agnez Monica came to the front and started by yelling "Hello everybody here!!” . She said again “What? I can't listen your voice. Hello everybody??”.

Here’s the summary and quotes from what she shared to us at Dream, Believe and Make It Happen at @atamerica :

"Thinking that my life is perfect, huh? My life is not perfect! I do have problem like you. If you have problem, you have to thankful for that... I am not born strong, like you. I also cry”

"There was someone message me on twitter like this, 'the people is not lucky as you'. What? It is not about luck! Everyone has talent. It grows from very small seeds. So, you have to be ready for that... Success is the meet of opportunity and readiness”

"Never stop to dream. Does it a matter to have a dream? Noo....Changes in this world are made controversially. Well, people call your dream weird? Ya! Cause people don't like change! They live and love comfort zone. Any type of change about to make out of comfort. Then, convince your self about your dream, believe, and make it happen. You have to work real hard, consistant, and smart. You know, even stranger try to make you give up. You have to survive”

"The biggest of yourself is the biggest power of the world”

So the main point is she also an ordinary person like us. What makes her different is her spirit to get her dreams and her faith to lean on God. There is no such thing as luck it is all about working hard to get our dream come true. Everything started from a dream. We also have to believe in ourself. Noone can believe it but us. There also will be a lot of haters that might bring you down. Keep on moving let haters hate and us win. To make it happen we need skill we need to work hard we need everything.

At the end of the program there were 3 lucky student had been choosen to asked question. Agnez Monica answered it all, it also funny because she was teased on of the student, a young lucky one that seemed so nervous be close to her.

It was such an AMAZING event with Agnez Monica. She is an inspiration. She is not only an expert in singing and dancing by got a LOT of awards from all over the world but she is also smart and she just proved it in front of us today. Thanks you so much sweet heart !! Love.