Oh My Poor Son

Dear My Lovely Son,

I'm so sorry for being like this
I'm sorry for not having a lot of time to spend with you
I'm sorry that I have to work 24/7, each and everyday, no weekend at all
I'm so sorry that I yell at you sometimes
I'm so sorry that I ignored you

Please don't hate me for what I do

You should know that the house's bills is too expensive
You should know that your future school will be too expensive
You should know that your diapers is too expensive
You should know that your daily meal is too expensive
There are more too many expensive items in this world that i can't afford for you
Unless I spend all of my time working to earn some money

Believe me i really want to spend all of my time with you
Believe me i love to laugh with you
Believe me i love hugging you until you fall asleep
Believe me i love to calm your crying
Believe me i will do everything to make you happy

But
I'm sorry ... i woke up early in the morning to go to work
I stayed up all night finishing my job
But I can't sleep and have to woke up a hundred times to calm your crying, to breastfeeding you

I'm sorry... sometimes i yell at you because I have to finish my job and it's so stressful
I ignore you because I have to work on my task
I'm sorry to make you cry

Please don't hate me
Please do understand
I need money for your future
I need money for our family
I need money for our happiness
To make sure you will get all education that you need to learn
To make sure you will stay safely under our rooftop
To make sure my mother is healthy

I hope someday you will understand
All the challenges we face
Something had to be sacrified

Someday i will find my time just for you
Someday we will laugh together
Someday i will hug you all day
Someday we will earn a lot of money to give you happiness

Please don't hate me
I know you need me
I will do everything to make you stay with me
We spent 8 months together each and everyday
It's time for you to grow up
Just like i always said
Big boy don't cry
Promise me you'll be the nicest kid I've ever know

If someday you you will hate me
Just remember to always do everything that Allah swt and Rasulullah have said
That's more than enough for me
Because I'm not perfect
I hope i still be the best mother you ever had
at least I'm trying

I love you honey.
Be strong!

Aku Mampu!

Aku ada disituasi dimana fisik memaksa untuk terus kuat tapi secara psikologis capek banget.

Kadang bingung banget ngeliat kehidupan orang lain kok bisa mereka bahagia-bahagia aja. Travel kesana kemari, shopping ini itu, ngelakuin apa aja yang mereka mau. Sedangkan aku tiap hari harus cari uang sambil ngurus anak yang semakin besar rewelnya semakin challenging.

Bukan maksud mau mengeluh tapi kok bisa kehidupan orang lain kok santai begitu. Ya mungkin gak semua orang. Aku masih bingung diluar sana pasti ada ratusan mungkin ribuan single parent yang ribet ngurusin anaknya, gimana cara mereka survive? Aku baru punya anak satu aja pusingnya kaya punya anak sekampung.

Inget banget dulu, dipandang sebagai orang yang lemah, penyakitan, manja, gak bisa ngurus diri selalu mengandalkan orang lain. Sampai harus berkali-kali diingatkan untuk terus kuat, kalau aku bisa dll.

Look at me now!
Siapa bilang aku lemah, manja?
Aku mampu menghidupi keluargaku sendiri sekarang.
Aku mampu cari uang untuk bayar tagihan bulanan, aku mampu cari kerjaan kesana kemari, aku mampu ngurus anak sendiri, aku mampu menghidupi orangtuaku sendiri.

Dan aku masih bertahan sampai saat ini.

Sejak hamil sampai sekarang aku sudah berhasil membuktikan diri bahwa aku memang bisa mengandalkan diriku sendiri. Aku bukan perempuan lemah yang bisanya cuma nyusahin orang, ganggu kesibukan orang, menadahkan tangan minta-minta sama orang lain.
Aku bisa!
Walaupun di satu sisi aku harus mengorbankan kebahagiaan diriku sendiri.
Sibuk membahagiakan oranglain kadang membuat kita lupa sama diri sendiri.

Terkadang ditengah kesibukan tiba-tiba ngeliat kehidupan orang lain yang penuh kebahagiaan itu rasanya... ntahlah dibilang iri juga bukan tapi kok nyesek gitu.
Pengen juga rasanya kaya perempuan-perempuan itu. Punya barang mewah, kerjaannya santai dirumah, keluar shopping hangout sama temen, punya anak seakan2 tanpa beban.
Aku sih gak menganggap ini beban. Semakin berat kehidupan yang aku jalanin semakin lebar aku tersenyum. Kenapa? Karena aku mampu ngejalanin ini semua disaat mungkin orang-orang itu gak mampu menjalani apa yang aku hadapi sekarang.

Aku bahagia mengurus anakku sendiri, tetap memberikan ASI dari pertama kali lahir sampai sekarang gak peduli betapa sibuknya badanku, melihat dia sehat, merawat dia waktu sakit, menyediakan kesabaran atas kerewelannya, semua hal yang terasa berat untuk ibu baru aku jalani.

Aku bahagia menafkahi keluargaku sendiri. Bahagia ngeliat badanku yang harus kesana kemari, ngurusin ini itu, badan seakan-akan harus dibelah seribu, ngatur waktu cuma untuk dapat uang untuk kehidupan keluarga. Seringkali otak berfikir, tangan kiri dan kaki ngurusin anak, tangan kanan makan dll deh. Tapi aku masih mampu hidup, walaupun kadang stres juga ngerjain semua hal sekaligus macam robot yang diprogram pakai komputer.

Tapi ya gitu, kadang kalau punya waktu sebentar untuk mikirin diri sendiri tiba-tiba rasanya kesepian. Rasanya pengen nangis tapi gak bisa saking sibuknya ngurusin orang lain. Apalagi sekarang punya anggota keluarga baru. Suami istri baru yang kelihatan bahagia banget. Padahal ya mungkin mereka punya tantangan hidup mereka sendiri yang mungkin mereka anggap berat. Tapi tetep aja punya pasangan suami istri bahagia di dalam rumah sendiri itu rasanya nyess banget. Belum lagi istrinya santai aja dirumah plonga plongo gak perlu mikirin ngurus anak, gak perlu mikirin kerjaan, gak perlu mikirin nyari duit.

Kadang sedih gak tau harus gimana mengobati capek psikologis ini. Mau share ke orang, orang juga gak paham keadaan kita. Lagipula apa juga yang bisa mereka lakuin selain prihatin. Satu-satunya cara ya ngejalanin aja. Ketawa kalau pengen ketawa, nangis kalau pengen nangis, ngeluh kalau pengen ngeluh. Biar gimanapun aku ya manusia juga.

Ngeliat temen-temen ngebet banget nikah, ngeliat temen masih santai-santai hidupnya kuliah belum kelar tapi masih bisa ketawa gak perlu mikirin anak, gak perlu mikirin gimana caranya menghidupi orangtua, ngeliat temen udah pada nikah tapi hidupnya santai aja, ngeliat temen punya anak tapi gak capek ngurusin asinya malah bisa ditinggal hangout sama temen-temen. Rasanya... KOK BISA????

Satu hal yang bikin emosiiiii banget pas mereka dengan santainya bilang "Siapa suruh cepat nikah, siapa suruh punya anak?" atau "Kenapa juga dulu nikah?Kalau gak mau repot ngurus anak kenapa nikah?"
Rasanya pengen bilang NTAR LIAT AJA KALAU LU PADA UDAH NIKAH DAN PUNYA ANAK. huh! Mereka pikir mereka bakal santai selamanya apa ya. Suatu saat nanti mereka juga bakal tua, bakal nikah, bakal punya tanggung jawab besar.
Tapi ya begitulah dimaklumi aja kan mereka belum ngejalanin.

Aku gak malu punya status begini. Aku gak malu hidup dengan bekerja keras. Aku gak malu punya harta dari hasil keringet sendiri walaupun gak seberapa. Aku gak malu udah bisa menafkahi keluarga dan orangtuaku. Aku gak malu gak bisa hangout karena harus ngurusin dan mendidik anakku. Aku gak malu bisa gantiin posisi papaku sekaligus jadi ayah bagi anakku sendiri. Aku gak malu karena mampu ngelakuin ini sendirian. Aku gak malu!

Karena dasarnya aku perempuan dan perempuan harus mampu melakukan apapun sendirian. Perempuan mampu hamil dan melahirkan ketika gak ada satupun laki-laki yang mampu ngejalanin itu. Aku mampu jadi ibu walaupun dengan penuh kekurangan. Aku mampu walaupun gak punya penopang, gak punya tempat untuk berkeluh kesah, gak punya tempat untuk meringankan beban sebentar, gak punya orang yang mau mendengarkan, gak punya tempat untuk nangis. Aku mampu terus-terusan kuat di depan semua orang agar mereka selalu kuat menjalani kehidupannya.

Aku mampu kan!
Aku yang dulu bukan aku yang sekarang. Semua sudah berubah.
Mungkin dulu aku lebih banyak butuh orang lain, lebih suka minta diperhatikan orang lain, lebih suka bersama orang lain, lebih mau menjalani dengan orang lain.
Sekarang aku ngejalanin hidup seperti yang orang lain mau.

Hidup sendiri, gak perlu ngerepotin orang lain, gak perlu berharap dengan orang lain, gak perlu ngatur orang lain.

Bersyukur dan bersyukur aku kuat.
Allah swt memang gak pernah ngasih takdir yang gak bisa kita jalani.
Bersyukur dan bersyukur
Untung aja hidup cuma sementara, gak lama.
Suatu saat nanti ada balasannya.
Semua perjuangan ini gak akan sia-sia.

Aku perempuan dan aku mampu!

Boring!

doc.Google


Boring boring boring!
Ohh it's been a while, i don't have time to write a blogpost . A quick update, i was pregnant and it's a boy, young bright smart one. So i've been super busy taking care of him. He's 6 months now and having his very first solid meal.

Someone out there might love to living in my life right now. Full time mom, have a super cute baby boy, living in the safest place with no earthquakes or something like that. Yes, i'm grateful for that.

I'm having a baby, sounds funny right? Exactly, when i said i don't believe in marriage, i get married. When i said i don't have plan to have a baby, boom i'm pregnant. Things got pretty conversing now.

I told you i have to learn before i have a baby, so i can be a good mom. Now i got pretty tired. Dealing with crying every single time is not easy yet frustating. For an auditory person like me, sounds of crying is lil bit overwhelming. Can you imagine everytime you want to move yourself, going to the bathroom for example, suddenly he cries. But when you're sitting nicely next to him waiting, perhaps he will wake up and cry, nothing happen. Everytime i thought he was in a deep sleep, and start to turn on my laptop, he cried. It's like AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!

I only got 2 hands. I do everything, cleaning up my room, changing diapers, hug him when he cries, make him fall asleep so i can do the other chores during daytime. At noon my mom helps me, i can't expecting she would help me everytime, which hurts when she doesn't. She's busy, more than i do. It's annoying when the only person i can rely on have something they think more important to do than helping me out, which normal since it's my own son, my responsibility anyway. And I have to cry all day and feel extremely tired aaaand nobody cares about it.

Don't ask silly question, i will leave your deduction alone and don't try to ask me about it. I know you have question and i'm not going to answer it.

About my son, no matter how annoying when he's crying and whinning, he is sooo lovely. We can spend all the time cuddling and laughing together. His act is pretty funny, he can suddenly laughing so hard with no reason everytime we look at each other. It's like when you had crush on  someone and your eyes meet all of a sudden you're smiling and so does he. Instead of smiling we're laughing, even when he fell asleep and he's about to close his eyes but he looks at me and laughing and continue to sleep again the next second. Ahh how funny is that. Lucky me by the time he gets older people start to think that his face is much more similar to me. Yay me!
But still i can't handle his tantrums, at the time he's crying, the time when i'm super tired but he woke up in the middle of night whinning at nothing or playing when it's sohard to open my eyes, leaking diapers too especially in the middle of night. It's bother me when he seems to be the boss of my world. I don't have time to do my things, i don't even have "Me Time". I only have time when he is in a deep sleep and then he will cry at anytime. It's always all about him, my time, my body, everything. Everything is hard, to hold myself not to yell or angry is even harder. I wish i can be a better mom in the future.

Then i realize when he got flu or anything, he just a small baby who rely on me each and everytime. I wish i can afford nanny so i can focus on being a good mother rather than focus on taking a deep breath not to angry. Ahh poor son, sometimes when i'm sad he touches my face and smile. I assumed he always know what i feel and he always there trying to be nice everytime.
And about me and my mom, arggh still the same as the old time. Seems like we always agree to disagree. It's hard to understand her way of thinking and even her words. So does she, she seems can't understand me. And we always argue at everthing especially things about my son. Even a small unimportant thing like my baby's outfit for today make us argue, we always like that. But we also have time when we agree at each other, share stories and laugh. We have bad times too obviously, especially when we have to yelling at each other when we argue, ended up with me crying because of her words. Bad day for an auditory person like me, i will always remember every words that came out from everyone's mouth and it hurts me. Or having a "nobody talk here" day and it's so annoying. I need someone to talk, someone who listen, someone who will always help and my mom is not a good companion for it.

So here i am, talking to the screen, bored.

Spending most of my time in my bedroom without even bother to going out, i don't know why i always lost my time even when i have nothing to do, instead of taking care of my son. I wish i have 24hrs without falling asleep so i can do whatever i want. It's been nearly a year and a half i don't get a job to do, i need money to pay my bills, money for my baby needs, money to eat, money for everything arggggghhh things get even harder each day when i got sick everytime. Nothing serious but still make my body feel so unwell to do anything.

At least i have Sherlock series to read and watch. It makes me happy to be able to use my brain to think and analyze something. I've been working on my cv thou, people think i'm over qualified so they don't hire me. I desperately need a job or at least something to make my brain on again, or i will doing it for money. But i have to get a nanny first before i get a job. Again i can't rely on my busy mom. I wish people buy my house so i will have something that earn money for living.
How dull!

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